Security, part 1

Odemira (Portugal)

Often I find myself seeking for security outside of myself. I watched this pattern quite some years now and dealed with it in many ways.  
Feeling secure within my own being is the key and will stop the seeking outside myself. The hunger to feel safe, the hunger to depend on somebody in those times of insecurity. 
To fully live this and embody the security within mySELF, I pushed myself to the edge 3 months ago by quiting my job and giving up my house and basically leave my life and relationships behind to start living the new. 

Since that time something radically changed. The (social) system(s) where I was living and functioning in are not there anymore, there is nothing to hold on to. A part of me feels amazingly free and loves to spread her wings. As I do so, I feel my wings cannot spread as they are still holding on to fear. I have been part of this system basically my whole life and I created a space of feeling safe within this. It is a fake space, but still the personality responds to it really strongly now they are not there anymore. 
I see now that the systems had a huge impact on me. Now there is nothing left but standing on my own feet, nothing or nobody to hold on to but mySELF. 

Right now I find myself walking, looking for the next step to be presented to me. It only will unveal when I am centered and grounded. Till that time it is facing and watching the personality to drop. 
Waiting for that to happen, I regularly say to myself: 'what on earth am I doing? Is this fun? Is this living life with joy and ease?'

Writing this I am about to go for the next step. I ended in a beautiful beachtown. Tonight is another night of wildcamping ahead of me. For the first time I will be on my own in the forest without knowing the surroundings very well. A part of me is shaky, but a bigger part of me feels trust. I am ready to face this!