Basque Country, Spain
The last days I stayed in a small beach house. It was soooooo cute and sooooooo warm with its energy and decoration. It felt immediately as home. I feel the wish of having a home very much. I still have my appartment in Rotterdam, but I told the guy I expand my trip for half a year till at least January. I told him as well that after I most probably will leave. Where I go to I don't know, but how I felt at that very moment it would not be Rotterdam or not even the Netherlands. Now a few weeks later I booked a ticket to the Netherlands in October. I feel like going home. Home which is not physically in my life.
'What is home?', I ask mySELF. Home has nothing to do with a house. But I feel like having a house very much. No travelling, no moving, just BEing at one place and settle and ground and rest. I would love to rest. My body is tired of travelling and moving around.
I just want to go home. Again I ask mySELF 'What is home?'
It is a place where I don't have to be strong all the time and where I can drop and fall into my vulnerability. Lay on the couch and knowing somebody is there loving me in whatever state I am. Home where I have family and friends nearby, we know each other for long and we support each other through ups and downs, love and BE there for each other.
Home? Home is in myself, I know that by now. I know this feeling and I love it. As I feel it, I feel secure in my base and my inner child is silent and happy, I feel mySELF glowing at these moments and everything is in flow.
At times that I drop into this space of unknowing again.( Although I am very conscious this feeling can be very real and present in my being. ) All the unanswered and destructive questions are there. Those moments I want to run away from mySELF, go home, lay on the couch under a blanket. Hiding from the world. I did this many times in my life and I wouldn't bother anyone with it, I would never reach out as I simply couldn't. Surrounded by destructive energies I would feel drowned, helpless, depressed and home is felt far away, even on my comfortable couch.
I have seen and felt the other side of life, I met dark sides of my Soul and I choose, I choose to be here and get everything out of my life. Fullfilling my wishes, living my dreams and above all LIVE and BE HAPPY.
Home? Home is in myself, right here, right now. Always and forever in whatever state I am, it never leaves me as it is a part of me.
Me and Self sometimes felt as two, but there is always the unification.
Me and Self, a unification of all polarities that I am. The polarities transforming into an embodiment of union. Home is where the union of me and self are coming together. Coming together and merging in the heart, functioning as ONE, ONEself.